


Slow Show

by dizzy



Category: Farscape RPF, Stargate SG-1 RPF
Genre: Adultery, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-17
Updated: 2010-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-13 06:16:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/133902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Boy meets girl, they fall in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slow Show

**Farscape: The Flax – Season 1, Episode 13**

Screen kisses aren't sexy.

There's too much going on in your head; your next line, keeping your mark, listening for cues. You're too distracted, too busy making it look pretty (or however the director tells you to make it look) to feel much. In Ben's opinion, if you're getting turned on from a screen kiss, you're definitely not doing something right.

Rehearsals, on the other hand. Ben has just learned that rehearsals are definitely something to worry about. He stares at Claudia, shell-shocked and mouth tingling, sitting on the little couch in her dressing room. They're both in the ridiculous outfits, having requested them from wardrobe so they could learn how to maneuver the scene in them. The first few runthroughs were dry, just positioning, a practice run.

On the last one, Claudia had lifted her eyebrow and said, "Kiss?"

And damn, they did. Ben feels it from the second their mouths touch, can feel how it’s good – how it just works.

He pulls back and she's looking at him, smiling, like there's nothing wrong at all. The tips of his fingers are tingling and he knows it's probably just in his mind.

"Not bad, but let's see what else you've got, Crichton," Claudia says. There's a touch of Aeryn in her voice, a touch of challenge, like she could kick his ass just as soon as lay one on him again. That's enough to ground him and remind him what's what.

He leans in and kisses her again. It's just a kiss, yeah, not an earth shattering momentous thing, but it's a still good kiss. A really good kiss. Possibly the best first kiss (first few kisses) Ben has ever had. He thinks of previous girlfriends, awkward and too much tongue or too little tongue or not knowing exactly when to expect the other person's tongue. Wet lips, wet mouths, too much space or moving in too quickly, teeth clacking with a sound that never failed to make his stomach roll and his tongue dart out to check for damage, swiping over smooth enamel. It takes practice to smooth that out usually, takes time and getting to know someone else, how they want to be kissed, to let them know what you like and don’t like. But there's none of that with Claudia.

Even with the bulky suits on, even with the awkward positioning... which isn't quite so awkward now that he's thoroughly distracted by knowing how her mouth feels moving against his... it's still all in all a pretty damn award-winning first make-out scene.

He glances over at the clock. It's winding down, hitting those numbers that usually signal leaving time. He told Francesca he'd be home by seven to help get dinner ready. The kids are a handful, and he knows she still feels a little bit abandoned suddenly left with the job of being a stay at home mother. She knows this business though, and she knows what this show means to him, to them.

She'll understand if he's late - she always does - but he'd rather not disappoint her for the third time in a week. He'd rather not disappoint her at all, but then Claudia shifts and she's going back to the starting line, to the positions they've decided work best for the start of the scene. He's got a moment of indecision and then he's smiling at her. By the time she opens her mouth he's already thinking his answer is yes.

"Shall we run through it again?" Claudia asks.

 

 **Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton – Season 1, Episode 14**

This is the worst hailstorm he’s been in, and he stands near the windows of the production office frowning at the scene outside. There are other people milling around, people genuinely still putting in work hours and others that don’t trust the weather enough to drive home in it.

Ben has his phone out, talking to his wife. “I don’t think I want to risk it. Yeah – yeah, I thought so too, I should have left half an hour ago… yeah, you were right.”

He hears footsteps and glances over. Claudia sees that he’s on the phone and mouths an apology, but Ben waves it away and motions for her to stay there.

“Yeah, if it calms down I’ll be home,” he says. “Tell the kids I love them – yeah, you too. Bye.”

“I didn’t mean to interrupt. Her face is fresh clean of makeup from the day’s filming, and she’s pulling her damp, curling hair back into a ponytail holder that had been wrapped around her wrist. “You don’t now how glad I am that someone else is still here.”

“I wasn’t about to drive home in that,” Ben says, tipping his head toward the large window again. The hail pelting the glass sounds magnified, like massive boulders and not icy chips. “I can’t believe Anth decided to leave in it.”

“He didn’t,” Claudia says, with a huge grin. “Well, he did, but he came back. I tried to ring you but your mobile was busy. They’ve raided craft services, so if you want to eat something decent you’d better come on.”

The prospect of food – and of the food no longer being there in short order – is enough to get him moving. He pockets his phone and follows Claudia down the hallway to one of the writer’s rooms. The food spread leftover from lunch is buffet style on the table, plates of crackers and cheese and sandwich meats, vegetable wraps and soft drinks. Ben snags the makings for at least two sandwiches and finds a spot on the floor besides Claudia. She’s already the person he gravitates toward in any given room, comfort borne out of having spent the majority of the past six months together.

The power goes out almost an hour later. Candles are produced, flashlights and blankets to ward off the chill. Ben finds himself almost enjoying the dimness and the way voices start to be more hushed, whispers taking over to suit the atmosphere. He lets his head rest against the wall and gives in to the exhaustion that’s been hounding him for weeks. He’s never had a filming schedule like this before, so unrelenting, and his body is starting to rebel. He’s felt the ache and stiffness in his bones, the way his skin is slightly clammy and what he thinks is the beginnings of a fever, but he’s resisted because they needed to get the shots filmed. Location shoots are a bitch to redo and he’s spent most of the week with his toes in the sand and the sun beating down on him.

He lets oblivion get a foothold and then he’s drifting in and out of sleep. He hears shifting and movement and distantly listens to people saying goodnight, disappearing into their offices or whatever area they’re going to claim as their own.

There’s a nudge at his shoulder and he starts, blinking blearily at her. “Claud?”

“Come on, this is what we’ve got trailers for,” she says with a smile in her voice.

The idea of the little bed actually sounds great.

He pushes to his feet and they walk side by side down the hallway, out the door. It’s still pouring down outside and the halls are dark. At the doorway he turns and glances at her, smiling. “Night, Claudia.”

She smiles back. “Goodnight, Ben.”

 

 **Farscape: A Human Reaction – Season 1, Episode 16**

"Feels good to get outside," Ben says. He's making conversation, but it's true. "I spend too much time inside these days. Growing up, I practically lived outside. Hunting, fishing, heading down to the swimming hole."

Claudia makes a face, like the idea of so much nature is unappealing to her. It makes him laugh.

"Three brothers," Ben grins.

"You have three brothers?" Her eyes go slightly wide at the thought. He can't decide if that's a good look or a bad look. "I'd like to meet them."

"No, you wouldn't. They're just like me." He laughs. "Okay. Enough small talk. Let's get this show on the road. Lines to learn."

He's rambling, but Claudia gives him an indulgent smile. "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"

He lifts up a hand. "Solemnly swear. I haven't puked in at least 30 hours. I'm all better."

"Road to recovery, then," she agrees, though maintains a slightly suspicious demeanor. He can't really blame her. Kissing scene with someone who has spent more time with the toilet than anything else for the past 5 days? Not exactly a great thought. "And you're sure-"

"Not contagious, trust me." He says. "If I get so much as a sniffle, both kids will be bedridden with the flu a day later. If they're fine, believe me, it wasn't contagious."

"Right. Okay, then." She settles in, giving him a smile. "And you're right. It was quite nice to be outside."

He's been avoiding this section of the script for a while now. It seemed easier to just pretend it didn't exist.

It's not that he doesn't want to kiss Claudia. In fact, it's sort of the opposite.

He really, really wants to kiss Claudia. He wants to kiss her a lot. After the last time he kissed Claudia, he hadn't been able to think of anything else for a week. He'd catch himself daydreaming on set, catch himself staring at her mouth. Something tugged at his gut and made him want things he had no business wanting.

It's not the first time in his marriage that he's been attracted to another woman. He's okay with that. He's a guy. He can't help that he's got eyes, and an imagination.

The really dangerous part is that he's caught Claudia staring at him, too. And this past week, while he's been sick... she's been so good to him. So nice, checking on him, bringing him soup, water, anything she thought his stomach would tolerate. She made sure he was left alone to rest between scenes, made sure no one got too loud and rowdy. She sat with him once, and he remembers the blessedly cool touch of her fingers to his forehead, pushing his hair back and then carding through it.

What was just a vague half formed idea that he tried to talk himself out of has become something real and true and present in the room with them. That's why he's been dreading this, that feeling of inevitability. That it won't just be a scene. That he'll enjoy it a little more than the job description calls for.

"Felt good," she agrees, smiling at him. She's wearing little bitty shorts and a tank top, her hair in a loose ponytail. She's not wearing any makeup and damn, her eyes look huge, and her mouth... oh, danger, danger, Will Robinson, beware the pretty girl with the kissable lips. "Shall we?"

She holds up her script.

He barely even has time to nod before she's moving toward him. The look in her eyes says she knows there's a line and that she's pushing it.

She's not asking any questions that wouldn't be normally asked, though. The difference is in perception, and intent.

We have to rehearse, he tells himself. It's John and Aeryn. They're playing roles. They are the leads, the stars of the show. They set the precedence. Yeah, a lot of things happen spur of the moment on set, a lot of ad-libbing and line changes, but that doesn't give them license to blow off what's written on the page.

He kisses her shoulder and she smells like soap, clean and faintly fruity. Her hand reaches up, fingers raking through his hair. "Too much?" she asks, all Claudia, not Aeryn, parsing out what will be good for the scene.

The scene. Yeah. That thing they're doing this for.

He pulls away and shakes his head. "Good for me."

"I'm just not sure if Aeryn would... reach out."

"Yeah. Kind of funny, how she's taking the back seat on this one."

"She's out of her element," Claudia says, studying him. "She doesn't know the rules here."

There's something in her voice, something that catches.

He can be pretty dense sometimes, but he thinks he gets it.

She doesn't know the rules.

He's not really sure that he knows them either. At least they're on even ground here. At least they're both thrown off. He's not sure if he'd have the willpower to turn her away right now if she did decide what she wanted, if what she wanted was him. He's willing to admit what an awful man and what an awful husband that makes him, but he's never met anyone like Claudia before.

He has to laugh, has to make a sound that isn't want or frustration or a reflection of his own damnation. "I'm not sure if he does either. Not like he does this every day."

A small smile plays at her mouth. "Well, as long as they're not sure..."

It doesn't even occur to him until later that he's missed his out.

 

 **Farscape: A Bug’s Life – Season 1, Episode 18**

Claudia’s made a new best friend.

Ben’s daughter, moments after stepping foot on the Farscape set for the first time, is leading Claudia around by the hand. She has eyes for no one but Claudia, completely ignoring her parents. It’s Claudia that she asks her what everything is, Claudia that she demands hold her with a shamelessness that Ben admires.

“You’re too old for that, munkchin,” Ben warns her, reaching out to tousle her hair.

She ducks away, offended, and shakes his head. “Nuh-uh, Daddy.”

“Oh, that attitude,” Claudia grins.

“Maybe she’s a little spoiled,” Ben admits. “Maybe cause I didn’t let her feet touch the ground the first four years she was alive.”

“He’s really not joking,” Francesca says, rolling her eyes. She’s standing beside Ben with the baby in the arms. He notices her start to shift uncomfortably and reaches out to take the toddler from her, to give her a break. She smiles gratefully at him, and leans into him. He puts his arm around her waist. “I’m surprised she ever learned how to walk.”

“She’s fine,” Claudia says, lifting the little girl easily. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a little princess being spoiled by daddy, now is there?”

The little girl shakes her head, reaching out to play with Claudia’s hair.

Ben has a couple of hours before he’s due on set, but Claudia’s shooting schedule for the day is tighter. “I’ve got to get to makeup, but why don’t you ask your dad if you can come along? I don’t think anyone would mind. Maybe we can get them to turn you into a little alien, too.”

“Oh, no-“ Ben starts, but it’s too late. His daughter looks at him with huge, excited eyes, squirming with joy.

It’s a very effective tag team, and within minutes he’s relenting.

He gives Francesca the set tour, as much as he can in the time he has free. When he goes back to collect his daughter, she’s had her hair and a bit of makeup done, and one she’s got a little headband of alien antenna on.

She also doesn’t want to leave. Being the child of two actors, she’s inherited the ability to turn on waterworks in a split second. They both sense the danger and try to avert it, but it is Claudia that saves the day.

“Let her stay,” Claudia says. “She’ll be fine. You can be quiet while we film, can’t you?”

She nods emphatically.

“Ben?” Claudia looks at her, and matches her pout to the little girl’s. “Pleaaaase?”

Francesca is laughing at them. “Go on, she can stay. I’ll come back for her in a few hours. But you have to be good, do you understand? I don’t want any calls from your father saying you’ve been misbehaving.”

Her mother’s warnings are to be taken much more seriously than her father’s, and Ben bites his lip and grins at Claudia. “I think that’s a yes.”

 

 **Farcape: Family Ties – Season 1, Episode 22**

There’s a buzz of conversation as everyone gathers. Something’s going down outside and no one seems to know exactly what it is. Ben’s kneejerk reaction is dread – they’ve only just gotten the news that they’ve been picked up for a second season, and suddenly someone has some announcement to make? But he shoves that down, because it’s not like they would realistically waltz in and snatch that away.

He crosses the room and finds Claudia coming out of an office, pausing to wait on her. Taking a step forward he grabs her arm and shrugs at her confused look. “They want us all outside. Something’s up.”

They make their way out, dozens of people gathered around. Ben feels a swell of warmth, of pride. He knows all of these people. He knows the work they’ve put into this show.

“Damn,” Ben says. “When did it get dark?”

Claudia laughs. They’re being herded closer together, told to stay in one specific place. Claudia ends up in front of him, her front pressed against his back.

She jumps at the first loud explosion, colors bursting overhead. It’s fireworks – a huge display, sparkling in the inky black of the night sky.

He looks down at her, watching her more than the fireworks. Her mouth is curved, smiling, and he thinks of earlier when he kissed her. It wasn’t in the script and he doesn’t think it’ll actually make it onscreen, but it had felt right for the moment, for the scene. Her wide, surprised eyes had almost made it worth it all alone. She’d kissed back, though, and he doesn’t know if that was Aeryn’s reaction or Claudia just going with it. Either way… worth it. He won’t see her again for the duration of the hiatus. They won’t even be in the same country. Until a couple of hours ago, he’d thought it might be his last shot and he’d given in to a schoolboy crush. One little stolen kiss. It didn’t hurt anything, right? But they’ll be back now. The fat lady hasn’t sung, the show can and will go on.

It’s scary and exhilarating.

“It’s beautiful,” she says, sounding pleased and wistful. He feels something brush his hand and his eyes jerk down. It is her hand, and he flexes, his fingertip rubbing against hers as the fireworks continue.

 

 **Farscape: Mind the Baby – Season 2, Episode 1**

Ben doesn't go out with the crew a lot. To be fair, he spends most nights with them anyway, filming. He likes to spend his free time with his family, his kids. He's not often coaxed or bribed into hitting the clubs... they aren't really his scene anyway.

Claudia, though - free of cameras, costumes, makeup people chasing them down, scripts and the looming threat of the next call time - she's a temptation.

It's just a mood he's in. The kind where he's itching to do something, not just go home. Claudia hones in on it, senses weakness and attacks. Claudia with her hair teased and curled, lips painted full and red, looking so young and so happy... he's more than tempted, he's given in before the first token resistance can leave his lips. He just spent the past two months uninterrupted with his family between the seasons. They can spare him for one night.

Friends and crew members are glad to have him there and his drink never falls below half empty before there's a new one in its place. He won't dance, refuses, finds a booth and settles himself there. Claudia makes the rounds, and he watches her out of the corner of his eye, can't quite keep his gaze from following her. People come to him and talk, but when Claudia decides she's ready to sit she makes them scatter and takes her place beside him.

The club is too loud and she sits very close to him, Ben between her and the wall, leaning in to whisper in her ear because he has no chance of anyone else hearing him over the thumping beat and steady bass of the music.

“This is so not my scene,” he says, laughing.

“You’re an actor, Mr. Browder. It’s your job to make everything your scene.” She winks back at him. “Besides, maybe you need to expand your horizons.”

“Maybe so...” Ben gives her a very tolerant sort of response.

Gigi comes over. Ben likes Gigi – likes the energy she brings. She reminds him of a little sister he never had, sweet and girly and young. He knows that Claudia likes her too, that they share that vaguely protective feeling over her.

Claudia turns to talk to her, and it’s more comfortable for Ben to put an arm around her waist than to sit awkwardly with them facing away. He’s not part of the conversation but this way he’s not being left out, either.

Her shirt rides up and he realizes that he’s touching bared skin. He thinks that he should probably move his hand, but his limbs aren’t cooperating.

Claudia looks at him, catches his eye and smiles, then goes back to her conversation.

She’s not ticklish, he discovers.

He feels giddy, like a kid getting away with something, flushed and adrenaline high. Her stomach is under his fingertips and he maps out the territory, muscle and smooth skin that he’s spend hours dreaming of, since that first time she strolled out of costume in Aeryn’s vest. Every man on set had stared at her like they’d wanted to drop to their knees and worship.

Gigi wanders off and Ben is jarred out of his happy distraction by Claudia’s hand closing over his. He stills, wondering if he’s in trouble, half-drunk and childishly resentful of the idea that she might make him stop touching her now.

“Having fun?” she asks, leaning instead of turning back around, her hair tickling his cheek. In the low heat of proximity her voice sounds even deeper and smokier. It prickles along his skin.

“Uh huh,” he nods.

Her hand moves off of his. “Good. That’s why I wanted you to come here tonight. You don’t have enough fun, Ben.”

“I have plenty of fun,” he responds.

“But you don’t have fun with me,” she says. He realizes that he’s not the only one that’s had a lot to drink, because he knows Claudia and he knows the things she wouldn’t say sober.

“Baby, I could get in a whole lot of trouble for having fun with you,” he says, reaching up to touch her hair.

It’s half past one when he gets dropped off at his house, and he’s glad he doesn’t have anywhere to be the next day. He’ll stay home, make breakfast for his wife, take the kids to the park, and try not to think about all of the fun he isn’t having.

 

 **Farscape: Crackers Don’t Matter – Season 2, Episode 4**

"Too much?" Ben asks, giving Claudia a loopy grin.

"Never." She says, shaking her shoulders like she's working out a knot, loosening herself up.

The alcohol was her idea. He remembers last time, sitting there copping a feel, the rush of guilt the next morning when he’d tried not to think about it, standing in the shower with his dick half hard and being unable to forget. And yet when she brought out the bottle, he still hadn’t turned it down. He’s not sure if the idea of that happening again is terrifying or titillating, but he feels like he’s just strapped into a fair ride.

It's not like they really need it to cut loose with each other, but it sort of greases the wheels. He'd used that phrase with her and she'd snorted - so unladylike, hilarious to him. He'd laughed and laughed and she'd hit him and then finally laughed herself.

Two hours later, he's drowsy and draped over his couch. It’s not like before, not at all. This is just him and Claudia, nothing dangerous, no club beats and nuclear looking cocktails. No Gigi in that shimmery top asking him to dance, Claudia egging her on. No, he likes this a lot more, just him and her and the alcohol and his couch.

"I fought hard for this couch," he informs her.

She's already heard this story.

He's going to tell it anyway.

"They were gonna give it to you! You already have a couch! The thought you might like this one better! I didn't have a couch at all. They thought you needed your choices. Princess Claudia."

She huffs. "Maybe you should learn to treat me more like that, and not complain so much."

He rolls his eyes at her, tugs on her ponytail. "Yeah, right. Like I don't already cater to your every whim."

She has the gall to actually look pleased with herself, though what comes out of her mouth is, "You do not."

"Claudia, baby," he says, and ignores the look that passes over her face, "You know all you gotta do is ask and it's yours."

"What is?" she says, shifting toward him. She's sitting on the floor, has been leaning back against the couch but now she's turned and crossed her arms over it, her face close to his.

"Anything," he says, and there's a beat of silence, and then he realizes what's just come out of his mouth.

 

 **Farscape: The Way We Weren’t – Season 2, Episode 5**

Claudia doesn't say anything about it, but Ben hears the rumors anyway. That Claudia and Mr. Ex-PK-Lover had a thing in real life.

Ben can't actually be bothered by that.

Well, he can't _openly_ be bothered by that.

What he can do is refuse to call Alex by his name, and lurk around on set if he happens to finish early while Claudia is still shooting. He only sees them interact on-camera. When the scene he’s watching is finished, Claudia just turns away without so much as a second glance toward him. It’s not rude, not dismissive, not since Alex does the same thing.

He'd like to pretend that doesn't make him happy, but the truth is he's not only pleased but also transparent.

She walks up to him, puts a hand on his arm and leans forward to whisper, lips brushing his cheek. "You're cute when you're jealous."

"Jealous?" He plays dumb. He's good at it. “I don’t know what you mean.”

"Don't worry. It wasn't a particularly pleasant breakup." She says, giving him an amused - possibly tolerant - smile.

"You handled it well, then,” he smiles.

"Well, you are the one that keeps lauding me as a professional," she says. "I'm still not sure where you get that from."

"You are," Ben says, and he's _means_ it. She leans forward and puts her arms around him, hugging him tightly. He hugs her back, though he asks, "What'd I do to deserve this?"

“Nothing. I just felt like it.”

Ben glances over at Alex, who is having his makeup touched up. “So that’s your type, huh?”

Claudia follows his gaze, and shrugs. “I don’t know if I’d say that.”

“How long did you date?”

“Ben,” she lifts an eyebrow and he knows he’s definitely veering into _mind your own beeswax_ territory.

“He’s so...” He deliberates over the right word to use. “... pretty.”

Claudia laughs and pats his cheek.. “Don’t worry, darling, you’re pretty too.”

 

 **Farscape: Out of their Minds – Season 2, Episode 9**

"How you doing?" Ben asks, dropping by Claudia's trailer.

She gives him a slightly bleary look.

"What, they didn't give you the good cough meds this time." He laughs.

"They did, but I haven't taken any," she says. "They always make me so sleepy. I need to be alert if I'm going to prance around like John Crichton today."

"John Crichton does not prance."

"Fine, strut. Swagger? Maybe-"

"Strut works." Ben breaks in. "I'll go along with that. He struts."

"You want to run lines? Might take your mind off the whole death's door thing."

"You just need my help." Claudia rolls her eyes.

"That, too. Come on, Aeryn's a hard character to nail," Ben says. Under his breath, he adds, "I mean, Crichton's been trying for a year and a half now."

Claudia just winks at him and flips through her script. "So what would Crichton do in Aeryn's body?"

He breaks into a wide smile.

"Come on," she prompts him. "I want this to be realistic."

"He'd get his hands on the real estate. Get a good hands on demo. He'd be greedy. He'd want to touch."

"And he wouldn't be worried about Aeryn killing him if she found out?"

"Hey, he's leaving the body in pretty good condition. Pretty satisfied too, I'd imagine. Does Aeryn really let loose like that? Does she relax that much?"

"Does she masturbate, is that what you're asking?"

Well, she’s not mincing words now. Ben Browder, playing the role of southern gentleman, shocked by a rude word from a woman. No, not really - he feels slightly exhilarated by her bluntness, kind of turned on.

He lifts an eyebrow at her. "Yeah."

"I... I wouldn't think so, not before Moya. I imagine if Aeryn wanted to release some tension, there was always a willing soldier nearby."

Are they gonna talk about this? Yeah, apparently they are.

"Someone to recreate with." He uses the scripted word, smiling around it. He can see that, about Aeryn. Get the job done. All efficiency. "But since being on Moya?"

"I'm sure proximity to Crichton has left her frustrated before. She might have begun to explore other options." Claudia is musing over it. He can almost see her rolling around the concepts, absorbing them into herself, into her role.

"Well, can't say I blame her. He is a manly, sexy beast."

"Beast, maybe. Hairy as one, at least," Claudia grins. "So Crichton will show her a good time, will he?"

"Well, technically he's showing himself the good time, just using her body to do it. But she'll get some benefits, too. She'll come back to a very mellow body,” Ben says.

Claudia laughs. "She won't know why. Or... she will?"

"I think she's a smart enough gal to put two and two together."

"Two hands, two..." Claudia gestures to her chest.

Ben flashes her a grin. "Oh, yeah. Definitely together."

"So really, Crichton's just doing this to be nice. He's doing a favor for her."

"And the rest of the crew." Ben agrees. "I mean, you can't deny it, she's kind of of uptight sometimes."

“Maybe not for much longer,” she says, looking back at the script. “Crichton and Aeryn... they’re getting somewhere.”

Ben smiles. He hangs around the writer’s room. He knows some of what’s planned, so does Claudia. “They’re on the right path, at least.”

 

 **Farpscape: Look at the Princess Part III – Season 2, Episode 13**

He feels like he hit the start button on a game but now he's stuck staring at the loading screen. Life happens, days pass, episodes are shot and filmed and aired. Things are actually good. John and Aeryn do their thing; Ben and Claudia do theirs. It’s almost anti-climactic.

He begins to think maybe he just made too much of it in his head. Maybe he read too much into it, imagined her thinking thoughts that she wasn't really thinking.

The next time he kisses her it's all about princesses and his wife is somewhere around on set and he wants to be more of a professional but the truth is that kind of freaks him out. He hasn't done anything wrong, hasn't done anything she doesn't know about. She reads the scripts, she helps him run lines at home when they're laying in bed after the kids are asleep. She knows he comes to set and does the same thing with Claudia.

Somehow all of that perfectly thought out logic and rationale doesn't make him feel any less guilty, though.

She approaches him slowly. It's just a dress rehearsal, but the whole point is to act like it's the real deal. He's facing away but he can see her in his peripheral vision. She has the little vial in her hand and she walks up to him, eyes so big and wide he feels like he could fall right into them. Her hair is loose, untamed by whatever product they use in it, and it makes her look very young and kind of awkward. He devotes a tenth of a second to what she might have looked like as a child before he refocuses. Glimpse of white teeth, lips parted. That's good, that's like a sucker punch to the gut, means she's doing something right. The viewers will see that, too. They'll hurt for her and hope with her. God, she can act.

He leans in, Crichton taking control, closing the deal where she might hesitate. Might be a dumb country boy but he knows a good thing when he sees it, chance to neck with the pretty kickass Sebacean girl next door. Not gonna pass that one by. Her eyes flutter closed and his stay open. Her tongue is out, pink and he flashes to the kisses before and that's a whole different feeling in his gut right there, but that doesn't have any place here in this scene. Touch the tongues, linger a second, pull back. Lick, like there's really something there to taste. Lean back in, mouth against mouth. Make it soft, make it unsure, make it real, just not too real.

"Come on, cowboy," Claudia says, wicked little grin and teasing voice, breaking character. "I know you can do better than that."

Well, she he can, but _can_ he?

It's ridiculous. His wife isn't even in the room. He's not cheating. This is his job.

They're given a bit of direction from the peanut gallery. More tongue, and isn't that the weirdest damn direction he's ever been given? "Hey, Ben, we can't quite see you licking her tonsils well enough, try it again."

But Claudia's mouth is lovely and he he’s tried very hard not to keep himself up at night thinking of exactly what it can do.

She sets it up again, backs out and comes back in. He nails it, breathes her in, devotes every cell in his (Crichton's) being to making damn sure she (Aeryn, Aeryn Sun, Aeryn) does not forget this kiss.

They do one more rehearsal, and only need one take.

 

 **Farscape: Won’t Get Fooled Again - Season 2, Episode 15**

“I can’t believe you’ve never been,” Claudia says. She’s walking ahead of him, surfboard taller than her tucked under her arm.

“I didn’t say I hadn’t been surfing, I said I’d never been surfing here,” Ben corrects her.

“Well, if you’ve never been here, then you’ve never been,” she says, dismissing his previous ‘experience’. She makes no attempt at hiding her bias for Australia’s beaches.

It’s just past dawn. They’ve both got to be on set in a few hours, but this was the only time they could make for this, the only space in their schedules that pleasantly coincided. She’d picked him up before the break of dawn, two surfboards in the back of her car, and driven him to her favourite place. It should seem stranger to him, sitting in her passenger seat sharing the sleepy silence, but it wasn’t.It was… nice.

The surfing is good, too. He’s willing to admit she might have some basis for her high opinion. The waves are perfect, curling and carrying him away, and he doesn’t want to leave.

Claudia in a bikini doesn't hurt matters, either.

“Breakfast,” she says, grabbing his hand and pulling up away, playfully tugging. “I’m a hungry woman, Ben.”

“Fine, fine,” he sulks, grabbing a towel and raking it over his head. He’ll need to shower before he gets into costume, but they should still have time.

Breakfast ends up being at one of her favorite places, somewhere he’s only been to a couple of times. She orders grapefruit and an egg white omelet and then eats half of his scrambled eggs and bacon and pancakes. He lets her snatch off his plate, grinning and amused. He knows her – well, women in general – enough to not go into a rant about how she doesn’t need to diet or watch what she eats as much as she does. But he does say, “You know what my mama would say about you?”

“What would your mama say about me?” She adopts his accent for the middle part, ducking when he throws a napkin at her.

“She’d say you need a sandwich,” Ben tells her. “She’d probably also call you scrawny.”

“Oh? And what would you say about me?” She licks a bit of syrup from her fingertip and waits expectantly for him to answer.

“I’d say you need five,” Ben says.

“Well, you’ll just have to make me five sandwiches then,” Claudia grins. “Bring them with you next time. Surfing always makes me hungry.”

He watches her fork stab into the bit of pancake he’d just cut for himself. “No kidding?”

“No, I’m not kidding,” she smiles. “I think we should certainly do this again.”

He smiles back at her. “Well, okay then.”

 

 **Farscape: The Ugly Truth – Season 2, Episode 17**

He's too far away from her.

She's sitting right there, but it's there. A whole two feet away.

It's too far.

He reaches a hand out. His fingertips brush her hair and her gaze flickers up, lands on him. She smiles. She's distracted, though. She's into the script read, into Aeryn's headspace. He imagines that's the same look Aeryn would give John... she's busy cleaning out her pulse pistol, busy saving their asses, and Crichton's just in his own little world, thinking how pretty her hair looks.

"Your hair looks pretty." He says.

That gets her attention a little bit more. She smiles again, shifts close to him. Is anyone looking? Does anyone notice? No, they're safe. Other people milling around, yeah, but no one's paying them any mind. That's good. Ben's fine with that. He prefers it. It means he's allowed a little freedom. He can push a little harder.

Or pull. He tugs on a strand of her hair, thick and black, twists it around his finger. She's ignoring him now, but with intent, doing it on purpose. She knows he's messing with her. She's trying not to let him. If she gives an inch, he'll take a mile. If she smiles too long, he'll have to take her off somewhere that he can kiss her.

His hand slips under the blanket of her hair, touches the back of her neck. There’s nothing overtly sexual about it, flirtatious at worse, but her shoulders twitch and he can tell she likes it. It gives him a thrill, a secret little pleasure, to know what she likes. That, right there, that spot by her ear, just below it. That makes her shiver. He’s filing this away. His thumb rests there, just feels the delicate thinness of the skin. Then he presses, rubs lightly, and she can see the sharp rise and fall of her chest with an intake of breath that is a bit more pronounced than she'd probably prefer.

"Stop it," she says under her breath.

"Nuh uh," he says back.

"You're being a brat." There's a warning edge in her voice.

"I'm bored."

"You're supposed to be reading your script."

"I'll read it later."

She's definitely smiling now. Score one for Browder. Hell, he might even win the whole damn game.

 

 **Farscape: Die Me, Dichotomy - Season 2, Episode 22**

There’s a party when they get word that they’re coming back for a third season. Francesca comes with him but the babysitter has an emergency and she leaves when Anth says he’ll give Ben a ride home.

He walks her out, kissing her in front of the car. “You’re drunk,” she says, but she’s smiling. He hasn’t seen her smile like that at him in a while.

“I love you,” he says, pushing her hair back from her face. It’s getting longer. He likes it, it reminds him of when they first met.

“I should hope,” she says, kissing him again. “Go back in. Have fun. Get home to me in one piece. Tomorrow, we’ve got to start packing.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he says, backing up and saluting her. Francesca rolls her eyes and gets into the car.

He walks back in and someone puts a drink in his hand straight off. He’s reeled into conversation, wandering from group to group, laughing and talking about work, reveling in memories, in plans, in knowing that they will all still have a job when they get back from hiatus.

Claudia’s a couple hours late, but she shows up and the double take he does is almost comical. She’s wearing a black skirt and a shimmery shirt. She’s all legs and big grins and when she sees him her face lights up and it does funny things to his insides.

They circle each other in the room for a while, each still involved in conversations but their eyes keep meeting and when he finally breaks off and makes his way to her she throws her arms around him in a big hug. “Stuck with me for another year, Browder.”

“Oh yeah, I cried into my pillow about it last night,” he teases back. “The horror.”

She puts her head on his shoulder and he can feel the warmth of her cheek through his shirt. He squeezes her waist, his arm still around it, and just laughs.

 

 **Farscape: Season of Death I – Season 3, Episode 1**

His hand is buried in her hair, his mouth hot and hard on hers.

The summer was very, very long and this is a very fragile little thread of morality they're clinging to. It gets even thinner, so thin that in the right light it completely disappears.

He'd almost convinced himself that he was exaggerating the level of mutuality with this thing. That it was all in his head, and that was kind of a comfort, because imaginary one-sided affairs are both easier to hide and easier to move on from.

Turns out he wasn't actually exaggerating anything. The more you know.

 _We will not act on it._ That's the next line, but somehow they haven't gotten that far yet. Aeryn's smarter than the both of them, at the end of the day, but he's never really questioned that. She's got something over the both of them; writers and editors. _I'm not smart, I was just written that way._ Aeryn Sun as Jessica Rabbit suddenly turns into a mental image of Claudia in a slinky red dress and what few brains cells he might have had left fizzle and explode in a rainbow of fireworks. That bright sparkle tickles down his spine and settles with a warmth in lower regions, where things have definitely sat up and taken notice.

His knees feel weak and it's not a move he's ever pulled before but it feels right to just sink down. She's tense for a moment but then she goes with it, follows him down, moaning against his mouth. Their tongues slide together, lips damp. It's a wet and messy kiss, not at all screen-friendly. Not like before, not like any of the scenes they've done before.

They've been 'rehearsing' for twenty minutes now. It's the most intensive rehearsing Ben has ever done. It's also the most arousing. He's hard, embarrassingly turned on. Or maybe not embarrassing, not since the look Claudia is giving him lets him know in no uncertain terms that she's just as affected.

They agreed from the start that this was about raw passion and reaching a point where you have no choice but to let it carry you away. He's thinking now that it might have been the wrong approach to take. Maybe they didn't need to be so closely connected with their characters. Maybe they should take a step back. Maybe...

No. He's not gonna halfass this, and he already knows she won't either. This job is their lives; both of them, even when his priorities might should by all rights be elsewhere, he's sunk his heart into this one and he's not about to walk away from it. The fact that it also means he’s not walking away from Claudia... well, shit. He’s got a lot to think about, but he’ll do it later. Thinking is not high on the priority list right now.

"That," she says, pulling her mouth from his. He chases it, gives her another kiss, quick and hot. She returns it, licking across his bottom lip. A hand on his chest stops him from following the second time, she starts to speak and stops him from interrupting again. She gives him a breathless grin that he matches with ease. "That... works."

"Oh yeah. It works," he says. His hand is still in her hair and he strokes it away from her face, over her shoulder.

"I mean the - the knees. I think that works... for the scene." She has her hands on his shoulder too, moving and stroking, touching without thinking about it. Her fingers slip under the arms of his t-shirt, over his biceps.

That's not Aeryn. That's Claudia through and through, looking at him like she wants to eat him up with a spoon. He's kind of giddy at being looked at like that by her. She looks the way he feels, dazed, confused.

Happy.

"For the scene." He nods. "Right. The scene."

"Yes. The scene." She leans forward, looks at him and the giddy sensation starts to fall, to fade. It's not a bad thing though. It's just settling and he still feels like he could stay here for the rest of the night. He's still turned on and he'll have bruised knees by tomorrow but he doesn't care. He extracts his hands and from her hair and puts them on her waist. "One more time?"

 

 **Farscape: Season of Death II – Season 3, Episode 1**

It's their first fight.

Not the first one they've had, but still their first as them, as whatever they are now. It's different from before. He feels like there's lead in the pit of his stomach, like he wants to chase after her.

They've all been having a bad day. Last night and early call time means they're all exhausted, and she had to get there an hour before them for her makeup and hair. It's not his fault hers takes twice as long, not his fault they want to try new stuff and they need her there to experiment with.

That's all he can shed blame for, though. The rest - yeah. He's done some screwing up.

This doesn't feel anything like the fights he has with his wife. There's a safety net there - the ring, the vows. He's got some wiggle room.

He's just now realized that with Claudia, his hold on her is tenuous. This is something she could walk away from, and he'd be powerless to stop her.

He needs to make it right. He spends a couple of hours at home, tucks in the kids and kisses them goodnight and then he tells Fran that he has to go run lines. Outside, free and clear and knowing she won’t expect him back any time soon, he screws up his courage and goes to Claudia’s apartment, something he hasn't done but a couple of times before.

Her roommate answers, and looks surprised to see him standing there. He's met her before, when Claudia would bring her along to cast things, nights at the bar back when it felt like they were all still getting to know each other.

He gives her a smile. "Hey, Claudia home? I was supposed to pick her up, I think."

"I'm not sure if she's... hold on." She walks away and comes back a minute later, looking hesitant. "She's kind of upset about something, so I'm not sure-"

He hears Claudia's voice and strains to see, but can't past the door blocking his view inside. "It's fine, tell him to come in."

He steps into the apartment, briefly looks around the room. "Gig told me to pick you up. You know, for the thing."

"The thing." Claudia says, and her voice is dull. He can't tell if she's annoyed or hurt, neither or both. Maybe she’s just tired. "You're early, aren't you? Give me a minute to get changed."

He stands there with her roommate, who gives him a polite smile, offers him a drink. He declines, and she goes back to the table where she has papers spread out. She ignores him, gets back to work.

Claudia's dressed in jeans and a shirt he's never seen before. It looks good, dark green making her skin look pale. Should he tell her how nice she looks? Probably not in front of the roommate.

She follows him out, purse in hand. "There's not actually a thing, is there?"

"No." He says, leading the way to his car. "I just wanted to talk."

They stop in front of his car. He glances up at the window to her apartment and sees the light still on. She stays a few careful steps away from him.

"What is there to talk about, besides the fact that you were a monumental arsehole?" She says, and then relents a bit. "And I might have been a monumental bitch."

"I think monumental might be stretching it," he protests. "... at least on your part."

“Maybe we were both wrong,” she admits, and there’s a smile – a small one, but a smile nonetheless. That tight, anxious feeling in Ben’s chest starts to relax.

“You want pizza?” He asks, hopeful.

She nods and her smile grows slightly. “You’re paying.”

“Of course.” He opens the door for her, and heads back to the driver’s side. It only takes a few minutes to get to the place he knows they both like. It’s a week night, and late enough to avoid most of the family crowd. “Sit tight, I’ll get you a drink.”

She’s looking down at the table when he comes back. He slides into the booth across from her, handing her a beer. She takes it, and their fingers brush. Instead of pulling away like he should, he covers her hand with his.

“Ben...” She looks at him.

“I really am sorry,” he says.

“I know,” she says, and moves her hand off of the bottle. Her fingers are damp and cold when his close around them.

 

 **Farscape: Suns and Lovers – Season 3, Episode 2**

She's in his lap, her back to his front, plastered. No kissing, this time. No kissing in the scene; no kissing in rehearsal. There's no place for it in the script they have.

There's also no place for a shirt. They’re in his trailer, rehearsing while someone else’s scenes are blocked and shot. In a few hours they’ll be expected to show up on set ready to go, but this time is all theirs. She's borrowed Aeryn's vest, and he knows firsthand that she's got nothing on underneath it. First hand literally, because that's where his hand is.

He came into this new season with an overwhelming need to just soak himself in her presence. She was the first person he looked for on set, and for a whole week he couldn't make himself be anywhere besides where she was. It wasn't too hard, since the minute he did find some willpower she'd come looking for him anyway.

Even right now, even having settled back into the routine of seeing her day and night, filming long hours, all hours, crazy hours, and having half-asleep two in the morning conversations, teasing her and laughing with her and coming up with all kinds of variety of stupid things to do to make her smile, even now he feels like if he opened his mouth without thinking he wouldn't be able to stop himself from telling her how much he missed her.

Luckily, they've always done pretty well without words, and right now... yeah, he's not complaining. Non-verbal is _totally_ the way to go. Their bodies are doing the talking, and his is being a damn loud-mouth.

He knows she can feel exactly how turned on he is. She feels it now and if it happens later when they're filming, she'll feel it then too, but he's pretty sure it won't. Nothing like a hundred people watching and knowing the moment is being caught on film forever to kill a boner.

Nothing like that now though; just him and her and lots of innuendo, sans the thin veil. She's shifting, little breaths of pleasure as he discovers new ways to make her make those sounds. In the back of his mind he's cataloging all of this. Uncharted land being conquered, flags planted with every little brush of touch.

His fingers skim over her collarbone with the faintest hints of pressure, meeting in the middle and trailing down. She leans back, ass firmly against his crotch, and shifts. It's a small movement but so intentional, so teasing. He kisses her neck, playfully bites a little. That gets more of a response than he's expecting, a groan and a firmer push back. She's breathing harder now and he lets his fingers play and tug at the zip.

"Maybe Crichton oughta be the one to undo this," he says, mouth still against her skin. "Aeryn's gonna show him the goods anyway. Maybe Crichton needs to push."

"Uh... mm, yes." She nods, reaching up with a hand to touch at his wrist and urge it down. The zip goes with it, releasing a few teeth. "I think that would be an interesting avenue to explore."

He unzips her top and there's a quite moment where he wonders if he's gone too far. He doesn't actually look, doesn't actually touch anything not strictly PG-13 but the knowledge that all it would take is to move his hand a couple inches over... his dick throbs and he groans. She makes a little noise, needy and impatient, and he moves his hand down to avoid temptation, touching her stomach instead.

"Not fair," she says. She's still touching his wrist and she takes that hand, moves it down and puts it on her thigh. Her voice holds some urgency. "Ben."

That's real. That's not part of the scene. That's _Claudia_.

A year ago she'd given him an out and he hadn't taken it. An unspoken agreement, a silent acknowledgment, and here they are. They've been walking in circles trying not to get sucked in and somehow doing it anyway, somehow enjoying every inch that brought them closed to this.

He could stop right now. He could walk away and be well within his rights. She wouldn't say anything, he's pretty sure. But it'd be the end - more than just the end of this moment, it'd be the _end_.

He doesn't want that.

He pushes his fingertips between her legs, teases her through her pants. She whines and moves his hand more forcefully. He's quick study, it's always been one of his better qualities. He finds her clit with her help and rubs hard, rubs in a little stirring motion until she's shaking and trembling against him, until her head presses back against his shoulder and she turns her face to his neck. She comes like that, body going tense and then trembling. He can feel the warmth against his fingers of her overheated skin and god, christ, holy hell, he can smell her.

It's miles past the line he set and only the thought that he has to go home to his wife that keeps him from fucking her right here.

 

 **Farscape: Losing Time – Season 3, Episode 9**

He's got a hard on just reading the script for the next episode, and he's not the last bit surprised when Claudia shows up on the steps of his trailer. It’s been over two months since that thing in his trailer, whatever it was, and they hadn’t ever actually talked about it but they’ve been failing miserably at acting like it never happened.

He lets her in, of course, and once the door is shut behind her there’s a moment that is awkward like a grade school dance. He can practically see her gearing up to speak, and when she does what comes out of her mouth is, "We're going to need to rehearse."

He nods, silent. For once, he has nothing to say about it.

"My roommate's out of town" she says. Her eyes are big, wide and hopeful. She's trying to act confident but he can read her better than that. She's taking a risk here, and she knows it. "You could come over tonight."

"And rehearse," he says, testing.

"Right." She bites her lip.

He nods slowly. "Yeah. Seven?"

She reaches behind her and opens the door, still facing him. "I'll be waiting."

She’s changed clothes by the time he gets there, hours after their encounter in his trailer. She’s wearing shorts - he likes those shorts on her. He stares at her legs every time she wears them. She leads him in and offers a seat on the couch, turning so that her back is against the armrest and one leg is tucked underneath her.

He sits awkwardly. He’s not used to this feeling, around her. Awkward? With Claudia? Even after what happened before, no. Claud’s his friend, his coworker, his buddy. His... something. Something else, now. Or at least, she’s becoming something else. His stomach rolls with nervous excitement. It’s been so long since he’s felt like this.

He shifts to the side, looks her over. She seems to warm under his gaze, smiling a bit back at him. “You look good.”

“I look like I always look.”

“You always look good.”

“Are you flirting?” She leans forward to tease him.

He takes a breath. Now or never. Time to face the music. “Yeah. I think I am.”

Her smile widens. “Are you getting in character?”

“No,” he responds. There’s a hitch, a brief second where he’s suddenly unsure, and then he reaches out and takes her hand. It’s lazy, fingers sliding against hers, leaving her room to back away if she wants. She shifts closer to him and he leans in, brushes his mouth over hers. “Are you?”

She shakes her head, hair bouncing girlishly around them. “I’m not.”

“Good.” He kisses her again, cups her cheek and then rakes his fingers through her hair. It’s all about the hair, always is. He loves her hair. Loves her eyes, her mouth, that thing she’s doing with her tongue right now.

She puts her hands on his shoulders and pushes back, crawling on top of him once he’s prone. Oh, damn, he likes it when the woman gets bossy. Always been a thing of his, not like he needs to be told what to do, but he loves a woman who doesn’t beat around the bush.

“Hello,” he breathes, laughing.

“Hi.” She gives him a very bright, very wide, very happy smile as she straddles his waist. She’s settling with purpose, rocking her pelvis over his. He hardens and yeah, that’s what she wanted. She reaches down to adjust him, working his body like she owns it and if she keeps doing that he might just hand over the deed voluntarily. The things he does with it by himself aren’t half as much fun as this, and that hasn’t been a big part of his marriage in a while.

“Too many clothes,” he reminds her, and she nods and tilts back, long and lean, hands down to grasp the edge of her shirt and pull it upward. She’s not wearing anything under it.

His hands follow the progression, curve up her back and support her when she lets him take the weight of her body. It leaves her ass snugged against his cock and that’s goddamn brilliant is what it is. “You okay? Sure about this?”

He asks because he has to ask, has to keep asking, just to make sure. It’s about him, but it’s more about her. She leans down and waits until her mouth is close to his to nod. He puts his hands on her face again, thumbs curving along her cheekbones, and draws her down to him the rest of the way, his mouth against hers.

She whines and he slides his hands back down along her back, fingertips on either side of her spine, until he can push his hands into the waistband of the shorts. He cups bare skin, compact and toned, squeezes and lets his fingers trace between. She whines again, pushes against him and rocks herself on his hard on.

“Bed?” He asks, and she nods and pushes herself off of him. The loss of that blissful pressure is keenly felt but he lets her take his hand and lead him. They’re just past the doorway when she stops and turns around, reaches down between them and undoes his pants. She leans up to kiss him while her hand slides in and wraps around him. He groans into the kiss, gets his hands back on her, can’t stop touching anywhere and everywhere and he’s gotta be kissing her too, he wants it all.

They part long enough for his shirt to come off and he’s kicking off his shoes and trying to get her shorts down and she finally shoves him back and laughs when he stumbles back to sit down hard on the bed. He feels vaguely ridiculous with his jeans still on and his cock out but she’s naked then and dropping down onto his lap and he can’t look too bad if this is the reaction he’s getting from her. He wraps his arms around her and falls back, rolls them over so he’s on top and something about that makes her moan but he’s done questioning everything. He slides a hand between her thighs and finds her wet, laughs at how she keens and spreads her legs for him to play. He kisses her deeply, mouth slanted over hers, while he pushes two fingers inside of her. Her fingers scrabble against his chest and she moves down onto him, reaches down and takes him in hand again. It’s a confusing jumble of limbs and touching and groping and by all rights it should be awkward but he’s realizing just how bendy she really is. She slides one leg over his thigh and hooks around, pulls him down against her.

His fingers are damp when he slides away. He needs to stop and ask, see if she has anything but she’s already a step ahead of him.

It hits him in that moment and it all feels real. He’s about to do this. He’s about to cheat on his but when he looks at Claudia still all he can see are the reasons why this is right. He’s not sure what kind of man that makes him.

Her back hits the bed and she twists around, yanks open the drawer and pulls out a condom.

Well, this is what he came here for, after all.

*

Their morning after isn’t even a morning. It’s two am and they’ve dozed, but only for a few minutes at a time. She wakes up and gives him such a wide, beautiful smile that he has to kiss her to clamp down words, things he wants to say but knows he can’t. He pins her against the mattress and moves his body against hers again.

They take their time, the second time, exploring with touches and kisses. He wants to map out her body and learn everything about her and there’s just not enough hours in the night for him to feel like he’s gotten his fill.

He has to go home at some point. Even if Fran weren’t expecting him to walk through the door at some point, Claudia’s roommate will be back in the morning. Claudia knows her, likes her, trusts her, but Ben isn’t comfortable with anyone knowing about this. She says she understands when he tells her that.

“Mind if I shower?” He asks.

“Mind if I join you?” She grins and runs her hand over his chest, fingers splayed out wide. The touch makes him stir again, and he glances at the clock.

Maybe he has a few more minutes.

 **Farscape: Relativity – Season 3, Episode 10**

He's never actually had to get his lines out _while_ his mouth is pressed against someone’s.It's distracting. It's very distracting. He keeps messing it up, keeps forgetting.

There's so much skin here, so much that he can just reach out and touch. She's giggling every time he moves, the sheets too low, every time his hands graze a little beyond the bounds of what they'll be allowed to film.

Eventually rehearsal just sort of flows into kissing, making out, moving together with more purpose. It turns into sex, which is something they’ve become very good at. They don’t get nearly as much time together as Ben would like, but they make up for lack of quantity with an abundance of quality. He hasn’t had sex on the brain this much since he was a teenager, and he shocks himself with how far he’s willing to go now. He grabs her on a break, pulls her into his trailer with a grin and drops to his knees, loses a pleasurable half hour to the taste of her under his tongue as he works her to the edge and over again and again. He loves making her boneless and exhausted, loves the way her skin tastes with a sheen of sweat on it, loves the way her hair feels in between his fingers and the way her legs wrap around his waist.

“What are you thinking about?” She asks, pulling away from the kiss. Her mouth is swollen, links reddened and full. He rubs his thumb over the bottom one, and she kisses it.

“You.” He says, leaning in again, pressing his mouth to hers.

“But I’m right here.” She takes his hand and puts it on her chest. He takes the hint and rolls her nipple between his fingertips. She breathes in sharply, hips twisting toward his. “Don’t think so much.”

“Yeah?” He rolls over on top of her.

She gives him a brilliant smile. “Oh, yes.”

 

 **Farscape: Meltdown – Season 3, Episode 12**

Ben can't decide if it's a blessing or a curse that they're filming this episode in which John and Aeryn can't keep their hands off of each other while genuinely not being able to keep their hands off of each other. He feels like they've got a neon sign over their heads, like everyone knows, but no one treats them any different. Does that mean that they're actually getting away with it, or does it mean that everyone's thought they were sleeping together for two years now so no one sees anything has changed?

She fills his days and his nights. Warm smile and big eyes and a perfect ass clad in leather. He reaches for her all the time, puts an arm around her when they're standing close, always wants to be the one nearest to her any time they're in the same room.

It's just Ben and Claud getting in character, not breaking the momentum they've built.

Drexim is a lovely thing.

Night shoots and late rehearsals and writer's room marathons mean his hours have always been unpredictable. He gets no challenge at home when he doesn't show up, as long as he lets Fran know not to expect him. He won't stay at Claudia's when her roommate is there, and they spend more than one night in her trailer, bunked up on a tiny pull out sofa. They do more fucking than talking, more talking than sleeping.

He likes too much of everything about her, and he gets how dangerous that is. He's not having an affair, he's falling in love, because that's just how he operates. One night stands and flings were never really in his range of emotion, not once he left his teenage years behind. Apparently he and Crichton are alike in that way.

He's not really sure if the same goes for her.

He's not gonna think about it too much. There's a lot at stake here, and if his ego takes a bruising he'll have to keep calm and carry on like nothing's happened. That's the golden rule, that's etched into stone: the show must go on. This job means too much to both of them. He doesn't even think it needs to be said.

She slaps his ass. He's got his leathers on, and she's got a great big smile on her face.

"Hey, princess,” he says, pulling her in for a kiss that runs long, only backing away when he needs to breathe. How does that always happen? Just meant to be a little hello peck, turns into deep-throat diving, his tongue inspecting every inch of her that it can reach. "I talked to Ian."

"Oh?" She gives him a curious look. "What about? You know, I was just joking when I suggest that John and Aeryn-"

"Uh, not that." He practically blushes, remembering what she suggested. "I just mentioned that considering the nature of these scenes, maybe it'd be best if you and me just sort of improvised it..."

She gives him one of those wicked smiles, putting all kinds of dirty thoughts in his head without even having to try. "Oh, did you now?"

"He agreed."

She beams at him, kissing him again and backing him to the little daybed. "I think you're full of lovely ideas today."

 

 **Farscape: Infinite Possibilities Part II – Season 3, Episode 15**

"I don't want to rehearse this one," she says, head on his shoulder. They’re stretched out on his little sleeper sofa. She’s wearing a blank tank top and panties, one long leg draped between his and her head resting on his chest. Her fingers tug and play with the hair there, fingernail scraping over his nipple in a way that gives him goosebumps. He just watches her do it, knowing that for once they’re in no hurry at all.

They’re on location, in the middle of nowhere and it’s the first time they’ve had an entire night to themselves. It’s the first time in almost six months of doing this – stealing moments, sneaking off, kisses and touches in half-lit hallways, making sure they don’t get caught – that they can just exist without worry about someone else intruding or the pressure of where else they have to be, who else is waiting for them (him) to show up.

"Then we won't." He takes her script from her and tosses it across the room. It hits the floor with a dull thud, joined a few seconds later by his own. He’ll go get them later, because they’ll have to run lines, but maybe here isn’t the right place for it. They’ll do it tomorrow, wake up in the morning and have sex while the sun rises, shower in the tiny little stall, and then show up like none of it existed at all.. "What do you want to do instead?"

She doesn't say anything.

He sighs and kisses her forehead. "Claud."

"I know it's just a scene in a show, but it's Aeryn losing John. Her John, the one she's opened up to, the one she loves," she says. She kisses his shoulder and rests her face there.

"Hey, we got a spare." He gets that there's more to this than one Crichton dying, but he isn't sure what.

She just shakes her head. "It won't be the same."

Her fingers tug at the sleeve of his t-shirt and he shifts, pulls his feet up onto the couch and lays back, bringing her with him. She readjusts, one crooked knee over his thigh, hand sliding under his shirt. Her fingers are cold and his abs tighten. He swears she does that on purpose, but he wouldn’t dream of telling her to stop. He’s distracted by that, and maybe that’s why her answer to the next thing he says catches him entirely off guard. "What won't be the same?"

"I think I love you."

He swallows. This is big, this is bigger than he’d expected. He feels a brief stab of irritation that she’d pull this on him right now, knowing this is the one chance they have to just be, but it only takes him a second to decide that maybe this is good. Privacy gives them this chance to talk. They’re always sharing space with each other, but always with people around. If she wants to talk now, they’ll talk. "Claud."

"I know. I know," she says, sounding like she anticipates rejection or argument, and suddenly he gets the tears. "But you know me, Ben. I'm not very good with holding these things in."

"Claudia, baby." He sighs and reaches up to press a hand to the side of her head. He has a feeling inside of something settling and the words aren’t nearly as difficult to get around as he’d thought. "You know I love you, too."

She's silent, again.

"Claudia?"

"It's not fair." Her voice is very small, and very miserable.

"I know. Look at me." He puts his hand on her cheek and makes her look at him. She leans up, supports her weight on an elbow. "Claudia, you've got me. I'm not going anywhere."

He’s not sure if she believes him. He’s not sure if he believes himself, really. He knows what he wants - he knows that he wants her - but he doesn’t know much else. There are choices looming large and he’s willing to admit that he’ll put off making them as long as it’s in his power to do so, until something shifts or something breaks.

Losing her doesn’t feel like an option.

 

 **Farscape: Dog with Two Bones – Season 3, Episode 22**

"You're a very hard man not to kiss," she says, her hands low on his cheeks, thumbs brushing his bottom lip.

"Supposed to be a sad scene," he reminds her.

She doesn't really need reminding.

"It hurts her to love him," she whispers, breath warm and minty on his mouth.

"Hurts him to have her hurt," Ben says back.

Things have been better since their talk – since that night when all they did was talk, hours and hours and he’d never walked away from a conversation with anyone feeling so laid open and bared. It had almost embarrassed him how much he’d told her... of his life, of his thoughts on everything she’d dreamed up to ask, things that happened to him and things he wanted out of his life. He tells her about graduating college and going to New York, how his family thought he was insane, about being in England and not knowing if this was what he wanted to do with his life, about how the tiny girl with the cute smile was the only reason he stayed. He’d talked about his children a lot, his parents and his brothers, and listened to her as she talked about the same, talked until their voices were raspy and tired. He knows one night of honesty can’t solve any of the problems weaving themselves through Ben’s life but he feels better for having had it. They’re better for having had that, something more than they were before.

"Impossible situation," she murmurs, eyes half-shut.

"Yeah," he agrees.

"Do you love..."

"Yes."

"I didn't finish."

"Go ahead. Ask me."

"So you love Aeryn Sun?"

"Claud." He laughs low. "That's not what I want you to ask me."

She turns her head to the side and he kisses her temple. "Ask me."

"Do you love Claudia Black?"

"Oh, man." He laughs again. "We are so cheesy, babe."

"Do you?"

"I do. You know I do."

She looks at him, tilts her head and God, he'd do anything for that smile – anything she asked. She just hasn’t asked yet.

 

 **Interlude: Comic Con**

Los Angeles is like a honeymoon.

His kids are in school, his wife’s got appointments to keep. He makes the trip out for the convention by himself.

No, not by himself. But without his family.

He makes the trip with Claudia. They fly together, various other cast and crew members on the flight as well.

They have two hotel rooms reserved, but they only use one. They fuck in the hotel room knowing they have all night, knowing there’s nowhere else to go be. It’s heady. He can’t take his hands off of her everywhere they go. They get some strange looks, but he can’t bring himself to care.

There’s a party after, the same old Aussies crashing someone’s suite, the same faces they see day after day but somehow it’s more fun because it’s in Los Angeles. They’re on the company dime here.

Claudia gets very drunk and Ben, he’ll claim he was more sober later, but he’d had enough that letting her get a hand down his pants in a stairwell seems like a great idea. He briefly protests when she drops to her knees but she’s wearing a low cut dress and he can see straight down it and then her mouth is on his cock and she’s blowing him like she means it and he can’t really think of anything except how good it feels to be in her mouth. He comes with his teeth in his arm so he won’t make noise and as soon as she’s tucked him back away he hauls her to her feet and kisses her. She’s giggling and gorgeous and they almost miss their wake up call the next morning.

It is one of the most perfect weekends of his life, and maybe that should have been a sign.

 

 **Farscape: What Was Lost – Season 4, Episode 2**

They ride the high for as long as it lasts, something changes.

At least it changes for one of them.

He’s still not sure exactly what happened, but he has a fair idea of then. The break in seasons was ill timed for him, well timed for everyone else. School wasn’t in session and they were gone for a month, to England and the United States, time zones and small hotel suites making it hard for him to call her.

When they’re back for season four nothing is quite the same. He doesn’t see her much for the first month, different shooting schedules because Aeryn’s off discovering herself again and Ben’s not putting in double time as two Crichtons any more but he feels like he’s working just as hard. He’s tired all of the time and ae can feel the distance crawling between them in more ways than one. It needles at him but every time he turns around there’s something else distracting him, demanding his attention. The moments he has to pursue her are fewer than he’d like and he knows that probably isn’t helping anything.

She tries to tell him everything is fine, but she hesitates when he kisses her and that’s not fine at all. What can he say, though? Women like Claudia, they deserve more than to be the other woman and the only card he could play right now is the one he’s afraid to contemplate.

He corners her and she cracks, in more ways than one. They’ve got half an hour to eat lunch and he pulls her to his trailer and sits down, hands clasped between his legs, looks at her and tells her that he misses her.

She cries then and he knows in that sickening moment that it’s over. She cries and he holds her and tells her he loves her and knows that right now it isn’t enough. The words come tumbling out. It’s everything he’s dreaded hearing for the past year.

She doesn’t want to be the other woman.

The guilt is too much.

She loves him but it hurts.

She’s met someone else.

 

 **Farscape: Natural Election – Season 4, Episode 6**

There’s nothing neat or easy about the breakup. He knows she’s dating someone, and it drives him crazy. He goes from pissed off to pleading and her reaction changes like quicksilver, too. Some days she lets him kiss her, some days she lets him undress her and he knows she still wants it just as much as he does from the way she looks at him on those days.

Some days she’s more resolved. Ben hates those days, but ultimately those are the ones that linger and turn his thoughts sour. Home becomes a refuge again. Francesca looks at him sometimes like she knows he’s done something wrong, but she doesn’t turn him away when he goes to. He devotes his time to his kids, to his family, to projects he’s sidelined, to actually getting sleep instead of spreading himself so thin.

 

 **Farscape: Bad Timing – Season 4, Episode 22**

They talk on the last day of filming. They’ve just gotten word that it’s the _last_ last day, that there won’t be another, and there isn’t a smiling face to be found on set.

They stand in the writer’s room and drink. He’s not sure where the alcohol has come from, but it’s passed around freely.

“Walk me out?” She asks.

She holds her hand out and he reaches over and takes it. He doesn’t particularly care who sees. Outside, by her car, he doesn’t let her hand go. She sighs and tugs and he releases her fingers reluctantly.

“Tell me this isn’t it,” he asks.

“Ben…”

"Claudia..."

"I like him, Ben. I might even be able to love him. If you're not ready to leave your wife, I'm not going to fight you. I wouldn't - I won't do that. But I'm not going to waste more years of my life waiting."

The knot in his stomach turns to lead, a tight hard ball of it.

She walks away.

 

 **Interlude: Burbank 2003**

They haven’t seen each other in months. It’s the longest he’s gone without talking to Claudia in almost five years. It’s been hard, but nothing compared to how it feels to see her again, to realize exactly what it is she’s trying to tell him.

It’s a damn convention. It’s a convention and he’s backstage and he can practically sense her before she walks up to him. It’s far from a private moment. There are people all around, but she looks at him and he can read it in her eyes. She smiles, so sad and pretty, and he smiles back and for a moment he can act like everything is okay. He’s an actor, that’s what he does.

She buys it, probably just because she wants to, and they start to talk. The conversation is easy and she sinks into his space like she owns it, and he lets her because this is what he’s been craving for so long. He tells her about the kids and she smiles and leans forward and soaks it in, and he can’t help but hope that this is a good sign. She tells him that she’s brought her guitar and he remembers sitting on Bonbi beach in Australia one night listening to her play and he knows from the look on her face that she’s thinking of that night, too.

She goes stage for her Q&A and he sits back there. He chats with other people walking around, but keeps one ear open for her. He’s not surprised when a few minutes in he hears her calling out name.

On stage, he sits beside her and grins at her jokes, lets the ease of conversation dominate. When he brings her the guitar, when he’s sitting in the audience watching her play and listening to her sing, he feels carried away. It’s every cheesy scene out of a movie he’s ever been in and he’s grinning ear to ear. He kisses her afterward on stage knowing people are watching, knowing he’s pushing the line, and she’s still smiling when she kisses back.

He invites her to the bar for a drink afterward, and she sits with him in the corner. They talk and catch up and he notices that she’s skirting the details of her life but he lets her.

She says she has to go, has a flight to Australia to catch, and his disable is visible. “Walk me out?” she asks.

In the parking lot, he follows her to the spot where she’ll wait for the car to pick her up. He hugs her and kisses the top of her head and tells her that he’s missed her. She tenses and pulls away.

She looks like she isn’t sure about something, and then she reaches into her bag. He feels sick all of a sudden. He’s heard the rumor, heard the whispers, but from the way she’s acted tonight he hadn’t thought they were true.

"Ben, this is something I want you-" she asks, reaching forward again, envelope in hand.

He’s not a man who often gives in to anger. He doesn’t like it, doesn’t like having regrets over a lost temper, doesn’t like the damage it can do. There have been precious few times in his life when he doesn’t take a step back and reign it in.

Now is one of them.

"No, I'm not going to your fucking wedding," he shouts, and the words hang in the air between them.

She looks shocked, pale and wide-eyed, and he feels like an asshole but anger and bitterness and alcohol are still coursing through his veins.

She crosses her arms around herself. "Well. All right, then."

He watches her go.

 

 **Farscape: Peacekeeper Wars**

He has a while to think between the last time he’s seen her, and the day he shows up back on set in Australia to film the mini-series. He’s had a while to think and rearrange things in his life and he plans on telling her when he sees her. He plans on coming clean about everything.

Somehow the moment is never right. Home is a continuing struggle, and Claudia’s a newlywed. His stomach churns with every congratulations she’s given, every time he sees the gleam of that ring on his finger before she slips it off to get into costume.

He gets to put a ring on her finger, too, but it’s not him. It’s Crichton and he’s all too aware of the man she actually married standing just off-camera. He doesn’t say much before or after that scene, spends more time in his trailer alone than he ever did while they actually filmed the show. It’s not that he’s not happy to be here – this place feels like home now, this building and these sets and this entire continent, they feel like somewhere he should be.

But Claudia’s husband is on set a lot. It’s very effective, very efficient at forcing Ben to keep his distance. He’s not sure if that’s her intention or not, but it works.

Somehow they convince themselves through actions if not words that they can do this, that they can be okay. Friends? Well, maybe not. That’s a stretch. But... they get the job done. John and Aeryn, that’s the easy part. That’s something they can fall into, sink into.

When he’s kneeling in the water in front of her, baby in his arms, his mouth on hers, something fierce and clawing erupts inside of him. He needs an outlet, some way to release it. He goes home that night and gets drunk, more drunk than he’s ever been.

The next morning he wakes up on the floor hungover. There’s a note from Francesca saying she’s taken the kids out for the day. What it doesn’t say is clear too: _sober up. get yourself together. don’t do this again._

He doesn’t.

 

 **Stargate: Avalon I – Season 9, Episode 1**

He knows she'll be there at the first table read and he's intensely grateful and glad and scared out of his mind all at once. To say he's happy to see her is.... well, even saying it's an understatement sounds like an understatement. She's wearing green, always his favorite color on her, and did she do that on purpose?

There's a twisting in his chest and he can't tell if it's good or if it's bad, just like he can't tell if the way she's looking at him means she's happy to see him or she still kind of wants to kick him in the balls.

She's earned the right though and if that's what he gets, well, he'll take it like a man. (In fetal position, crying.)

She gives him a hug because they have an audience, because everyone expects some grand reunion between two people who have such celebrated chemistry and such a well known on-set bond. Ben couldn't help but laugh the first time someone told him that. Yeah, they had a bond all right, and a whole lot of that bonding did take place on set. How did they ever get away with that?

He looks at her in Vala’s black leather getup and knows it couldn’t have gone down any other way.

"Can I get a minute?" he asks, catching her by the elbow. The day is halfway over and it's been crazy in a good way, more sedate than the old Farscape gang but more intense just by virtue of him being the new guy.

She hesitates, and then nods. “Lunch?”

When lunch rolls around he catches her eye from across the room. He's stopped midway there, makes polite conversation while she waits, and then pats the camera tech on the shoulder and says he has to go catch up with an old friend. He gets a knowing smile.

He'd resisted the urge to call her as soon as he'd found out the job was his. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have on the phone. He hadn't wanted to risk her husband being nearby, or the fact that she might simply choose not to pick up at all.

She might be able to make it difficult here if she wants to but least this way, she can't entirely escape. Yeah, he's playing dirty.

"I feel like I need more time than half an hour," he says, laughing in a self-deprecating way.

"Ben, if this is about our ability to work together-"

"I know we can work together." He says, shaking his head. "Even if you hate my guts I know you'll still be a professional. But... I really hope you don't."

She gives him a sad sort of smile. "If I could 'hate your guts', my life would be so much simpler."

He won't lie - that makes him happy to hear. It shows, he's sure, in his smile, the smile she almost returns before she catches herself.

"I'm sorry for what I said before. The way I acted. I was... I was upset," Ben says. "I was mad at you."

"You didn't want me to marry him." It's not a question, really, but also not entirely a statement either.

"Of course not. I loved you." He sees her wince, realizes his mistake. "Love you. I love you."

"Ben, don't."

She looks like she's going to get up so he keeps talking, soft but urgent. "I told Francesca. She knows everything."

"What?" The look she gives him is shocked, unbelieving.

"About six months ago," he confirms. "I was so - I was a chickenshit, if you'll excuse my language. I was too scared, I was used to having you and having my marriage too and it took losing you to make me realize I was just fooling myself."

"What... are you..." Claudia shakes her head. "Ben, why are you telling me this?"

"I just wanted you to know," he says. He closes his eyes, giving in to the misery that's chased him for the past year and a half. "You were never second to her. I'm sorry I couldn't tell you that before. I'm sorry I didn't... I should have left her, before I lost you. I wish I could go back and do it over."

When he looks back up, she has tears in her eyes.

Their conversation is interrupted, but he convinces her to meet him for dinner. She doesn't want to - he can see it in her face - but she shows up, and that feels like half a battle won to him.

They eat in relative silence and when the meal is over, they leave without saying much. He's afraid she's just going to walk away for him again and he's almost frantic with the need to keep her there. He knows how carefully he needs to pick these words though, knows the wrong thing will send her running. He's already proven that once, though maybe then it was more what he didn’t say.

She stops in the parking lot, though, in front of her rental car and looks at him. He remembers doing this before, after another fight over something so stupid, and how he’d felt then.

"How did you tell her?" she asks, looking slightly pained.

“I just told her,” Ben shrugs. "I think she knew. She was... well, she was upset, but she didn't seem surprised."

"And you're..."

"We're still together, but it's not the same. It's..." Ben struggles to explain it. "I love her. She's the mother of my kids. We know what works for us now. It's actually a lot better like this. We decided not to worry about divorce right now. It'd upset the kids, and it didn't... I wasn't... you weren't in the picture anymore. There’s never been anyone else but you, and I’m not... looking."

She looks sad, and he's not sure he understands that reaction. "I'm sorry, Ben. I'm sorry that your life has become this because of me."

He shakes his head. "Don't do that. You don't get to apologize. Claud - I was happy with you, I was so happy. That's not something to be sorry for."

She sighs and reaches up with both hands, covering her face briefly. "I shouldn't have taken this job."

"Why did you?" Ben asks, softly, needs to know.

She looks at him. She looks resigned, and tired. "Because of you. They mentioned your name, and I... I couldn’t say no."

They have dinner again the next night, because he asks and she doesn't say no, and he starts to feel like this is a second chance.

 

 **Stargate: Avalon II – Season 9, Episode 2**

"I think I understand how you felt now," she says. Her voice invades his dreams, brings him awake though he was already making his way toward consciousness on his own. It's the best way to wake up, a luxury he thought he'd never be afforded again.

"Huh?" he grunts, rolling toward her warmth. His nose collides with her arm, his eyes still shut. That's good enough. He starts to fall back asleep almost immediately, drowsing and enjoying the late call time today. Means they’ll be on set until well past dark, but that’s all right. It’s not like he has anyone but her to come home to afterward. Just her, and it softens the blow of having almost no scenes together, being apart – often completely different areas of town – all day.

Her fingers card through his hair, smoothing bedhead down. "Shorter than I ever remember it being."

"Uh huh." He agrees, wondering if he can convince her to go back to sleep for just half an hour more. Or maybe... he cants forward and his morning hard-on rubs against her leg. Or that.

She laughs, low and smokey, just for him. "I'm trying to have a serious conversation, and you're humping my leg?"

Guilty as charged. He grins, nuzzling her. "Uh huh."

But something of that does sink in to his sleep fogged brain. He yawns and rolls back a little so he can look up at her.

Sort of. The sheet is hanging low and she’s not wearing anything. Her breasts are there, perfect and pale and pink-tipped, and so close. He reaches out a hand and tugs the sheet down lower, running the backs of his knuckles between her ribcage. She breathes in softly and then reaches for his hand, stopping him from distracting her any more.

"Listen to me. I understand how you felt. How something can be so... wonderful, so good, so right and still be.... wrong." She sighs, leaning down so that her forehead touches his. "I've only been married a year and I'm being unfaithful. And you know what the truly awful thing is? The entire time I was dating him, even now – part of me feels like it’s you I’ve been unfaithful to."

Ben knows he can’t tell her that he enjoys hearing that, but it’s true.

He looks at her, reaches up and touches her face. "When you told me you were getting married, you said you thought you could love him. Not that you did."

He leaves the question unasked, but it's still there, hanging in the air between them.

"He's a wonderful man. I'm quite fond of him," Claudia says.

What she doesn't say confirms what he didn't ask.

*

All in all, Ben doesn't actually mind being the other man. They don't talk much after that morning-after conversation, but they settle into a routine. Her husband still has business elsewhere, and they all know Claudia's only signed on for six episodes so as far as Ben knows he really has no plans of moving to Vancouver. Her apartment goes largely unlived in, kept for pretense. Her clothes are in his closet, her shampoo in his shower, and every night he goes to sleep with her curled up against him. It's domestic and it's pretty damn blissful.

Of course, something has to give. They’ve been in Vancouver together for almost two months when she calls him and tells him she’s coming over. He opens the door with a ready smile, but he knows as soon as his eyes land on her face that something is wrong.

"I'm pregnant."

It's a scene right out of the soap operas that Ben has steadfastly avoided exposure to his entire career.

"Whose is it?"

"I don't know."

"Were you and..." Ben avoids saying the name. It just feels wrong to do.

"We weren't trying." Claudia says, wording it just as delicately.

 

 **Stargate: The Ties That Bind – Season 9, Episode 4**

Of course, it changes everything. There’s no way it couldn’t.

Ben spends a few days being angry – more angry than he really has a right to be. Things were just feeling right, and now it’s changed. There’s a sense of wanting to prolong the ignorance around the situation, and for the next couple of weeks they barely talk about it again. Every kiss is a little more bittersweet, though.

Her time filming is coming to a close, and he’s dreading the conversation that he knows has to take place. When she comes to his apartment on the night of her last day of filming, he has to resist the urge to pretend he isn’t home.

Instead, he lets her in. She doesn’t sit.

“This is my life.” She looks him in the eye. “These are my decisions.”

He can’t do anything but nod.

“I want you in my life. But this baby,” she rests a hand on her swollen stomach. “This is my baby. I don’t have it’s life complicated any more than necessary. Ben - don’t look at me like that. I’m not trying to end this. I don’t want to end this. I need you, Ben.”

“Claud, I’m not going anywhere,” he says. He sounds resigned, and that’s what he is.

“I need you, but I also need time.” She bites her lip, and it would be cute under any other circumstances. “I’ve had a couple of offers for work in Los Angeles, and then I’m going back to Australia for a while. I’m not sure how long.”

He feels like someone just punched him in the gut.

She doesn’t stay very long after that.

 

 **Stargate: Beachhead – Season 9, Episode 6**

He does the right thing.

He steps back. He gives Claudia space. He gives her time. He doesn’t push or pressure.

She tells him she’s going back to Australia for a while to spend some time with her family. He says fine, okay. She tells him she’ll call him, and that she’ll be back before he knows she’s gone.

She’s wrong. Days are long and hard, and nights are longer with nothing to fill his time. He calls his kids every evening. He talks it over with Francesca and they do some number crunching and he starts flying home more often.

She knows why he took the job, beyond the surface reasons of needing the money and wanting to work. She doesn’t ask about Claudia, or why suddenly he can’t get away from Vancouver often enough.

They have sex once, when he’s lonely and she’s in the right mood, and he knows once it’s over that it’s the last time.

“You aren’t here with me,” she says, and he gets why she sounds so sad, because he feels sad, too.

“I’m sorry.” He says, lying on his back, rubbing at his face with his hands. She reaches over and wraps her fingers around his wrist, pulling them away so he has to look at her. He really looks – looks at how she’s aged, roundness to her hips and touch of softness to her belly where they used to be firm, the knowledge that the years have put into her eyes. He’s been here all this time, decades now, and he thought he always would be. He thought they’d grow old together. He leans forward and kisses her. “I wish it wasn’t like this.”

She puts her head on his shoulder and pulls the blanket up around them. “I know.”

 

 **Stargate: Camelot – Season 9, Episode 20**

She comes back alone to film her scenes for the season nine finale of Stargate. Her husband is in Australia. She comes to Ben first, as soon as she gets into town. He’s not expecting the call, but he’s not surprised by it either. They’ve kept in touch through email, painfully impersonal but Ben wasn’t going to complain.

She’s still got her suitcases in hand when he opens the door. He invites her in and it takes him a few minutes to get her looking comfortable. He can’t stop staring, and that probably doesn’t help. He’s thought about her like this so much, given in to stupid daydreams. He’d loved Francesca being pregnant, been fascinated through every step of the process, and the thought that this with Claudia could have so easily been his – it had potential to keep him up at night.

He fixes her a glass of water and makes her sit. After a minute, she just stands again, so he stands too.

“I didn’t mean to stay away this long,” she finally admits. She looks nervous. “Ben-“

“Hey,” he interrupts her and decides to take a chance, just leap in. He leans forward and kisses her.

It’s only been four months since he’s seen her, but four months have made a world of difference. Her belly is cumbersome between them and it makes him laugh wondrously into the kiss and shake his head. He touches her cheek, traces his thumb over her cheekbone, and grins impishly. “Damn. Basketball or watermelon?”

She laughs, caught off guard, and he feels like he can actually see some of the nerves fade. He kisses her again and she kisses back, warm and sweet and glowing, with her hands on his face, and then she takes a few steps back.

“They’ve asked me to come back next season,” she says. “To stay and be a regular. If I accept, Jamie’s not coming back to Vancouver with me.”

Ben just nods. He he’d known the first thing, but the second…. He looks to her so he can know how to gauge his reaction. He doesn’t want to assume too much, doesn’t want to make her have to bat his enthusiasm over this back down.

“I know I owe you more of an explanation than that, but I need to know first.” She rests her hand on her belly. “Is this something you want? If you’ve changed your mind – now that it’s not just me anymore-”

“Yes.” He doesn’t even let her finish the sentence. “I’m in. I’m all in.”

“Ben, I don’t even know who-“ Her eyes grow damp and she doesn’t let him touch her for a moment while she struggles with it. “Are you sure?”

“Claud, I have never been more sure of anything in my life.” He takes her hand and doesn’t let her pull away this time.

 

 **Stargate: Flesh and Blood – Season 10, Episode 1**

Claudia is asleep on the couch when Ben comes in from a night shoot. He’s got a key, has had for a few weeks now. He usually calls ahead to let her know he’s coming but it’s late and he hadn’t wanted to wake her. This is the first time he’s showing up unannounced and he knows her reaction to that will be telling.

They’re still figuring all of this out. They’re both busy, Claudia more so than him, and the times when he does come around he doesn’t usually find her in a state of readiness for deep conversation. He’s in no hurry, not for that, but he has hit a level of frustration with never getting to see her.

He stands in her doorway and looks down at her, socked in the gut emotionally by the picture she presents. She’s asleep on the couch with the baby curled up against her, between her body and the cushion.

The baby hears him and starts to fuss, so he bends and gently picks him up, speaking in a soft murmur to the infant.

He thinks about moving Claudia, telling her to get in the bed, but lately she hasn’t been sleeping well at all and he knows somehow instinctively that if he wakes her up she won’t get back to sleep. She’ll just start in on how many things she has to do, pick up her script to run her lines, sit down in front of her computer... the couch might not be as comfortable, but it’s better than nothing.

He’s not sure how long she’s been out, but the baby needs a diaper change and it’s close enough to his night feeding that Ben goes ahead and gets the bottle of milk ready. He hasn’t actually done this by himself in over a decade but it comes back to him.

He’s been there for almost an hour when Claudia wakes up. He hears her moving around outside the bedroom, where he’d escaped to give her peace from the crying, but she must know he’s there.

When she walks in he expects her to join him right away on the bed, but she doesn’t. She stands in the doorway and watches. He’s stretched out on the bed in just his boxers after a milk mishap, the baby on top of him gurgling happily now that his upset stomach has worked itself out.

“You really love children,” she says.

“Course I do.” He looks over at her and smiles. “They’re all drooly and poopy and they got eensy weensy little fingers and toes and little baby smells... plus, he’s yours.”

He brushes a fingertip over said fingers and toes, and the baby squirms and gurgles a little noise, not unhappy. He’s interacting more and more, following and recognizing. It’s been so long since Ben got to witness this firsthand, a child growing up. He’s already a little bit in love with that wide-eyed stare. Those are Claudia’s eyes, and Claudia’s mouth, and he’s not sure what else is there but for right now it doesn’t really matter. There’s no winning or losing – he’s the one that’s here with her, getting to see this, right now. That’s what matters and the details can be figured out later.

The bed creaks and dips and she stretches out beside him, her head resting on his shoulder. It’s the closest he’s been to her physically since she came back. He’s also willing to be as patient with that as Claudia wants. Sex is great, but he’s moved past thinking with his dick when it comes to her.

He hands over the baby, and she cradles him between them. She’s looking down now, looking at her little boy.

Ben reaches out and pushes her hair back from her face, smiling. “Motherhood is a good look on you.”

“I always thought fatherhood looked good on you,” she looks up at him. “I remember you bringing them to set...”

“Feels like a long time ago,” Ben says. It’s true – his kids, they’re still kids to him but they aren’t young like that anymore. He remembers his son waddling across the sets on chubby legs, his daughter wanting to know what everything did and what it meant and what it was used for and sitting with rapt attention while the makeup people put outrageous costumes onto their mother.

“They used to love you,” Ben says, remembering. “Still do. They ask about you all the time.”

She gives him a look and he can tell she wants to say something. He lets her take her time with it, though. “Are you going to tell them?”

“About us?”

“Yeah.” She’s looking down at the baby, not looking at him, and he recognizes it as a sign of nerves.

“Yeah. Hell, they might already know. I’m not sure what Fran’s said, but they’re not dumb kids. They knew how important you were to me even before,” Ben says. “I don’t want to do it over a weekend like that, though. Next time I’ve got a few weeks back at home... over the break… maybe you can come with me.”

He’s been thinking of that a lot, thinking of how to put together a life for them. It’s hard not to want something more stable than this… the show won’t last forever, might not even last another season, and he’s not getting any younger. He wants to live near his kids, and he her there. He doesn’t want any more years with her not by his side. He doesn’t know if she’s ready to hear that, but the fact that she’s asking about this seems like a good sign to him.

“Are you sure that’s a conversation that you want me there for?” She looks doubtful.

“Yeah, I am.” Ben reaches down and kisses the top of the baby’s head. He smells good, like powder and milk and something sweet. With his hand, he reaches for Claudia’s. “I’m sure.”

She smiles, and he knows that was the right thing to say.

 

 **Stargate: Lines in the Sand – Season 10, Episode 12**

He catches her crying on the bathroom floor one day and realizes that while he’s perfectly happy in this situation, she’s not.

He’s seen how tired she is lately. He’s seen how her hands shake when she’s not concentrating on making them not. He’s seen her appetite dwindle and he knows the signs of someone pushing themselves too hard, stretching themselves too far.

He doesn’t, and probably won’t ever, tell her that he called Francesca with his worries. She’d listened, and the advice that she’d given him had proved far more insightful than all of his internet searching. There’s a phrase for what Claudia is going through, and it’s hitting her harder than it ever hit Francesca and he feels helpless.

“It’s not you,” Claudia says, and he believes her, feels bad that she’s probably been beating herself up over this without him realizing. “I know things have been different, but I just I just can’t… I haven’t…”

He knows how tired she is, how she’d probably be depressed even if everything else in her life were lining up perfectly. Things don’t line up, though, they aren’t just falling into place for her The baby is finicky, fussy at the best of times, and Vala’s dominating this season onscreen. Claudia is always needed on set, and no one is willing to work with her on a schedule that fits her life.

Ben helps all he can when he can, but she’s maintained that she wants to try and do it on her own. He thought respecting her wishes and keeping himself a safe distance away was the best thing for her. He’s wary of the mistakes me made the first time they were together, assuming too much and taking too much for granted, but one thing he can’t tolerate is watching her make herself sick. It’s not working, and maybe she’s actually realizing that. “I just don’t think I can do this.”

“So don’t,” he says, sitting down beside her. He puts his arm around her shoulder. “Claud, you have to take care of yourself here, too. Let me help.”

She turns into him and lets him cradle her in his arms. She’s practically in his lap and he soothes her like he used to his children, soft murmuring and rubbing her back. He can do this, be here for her like this, but he can offer a practical solution, too.

When the tears have died down he says, “Move in with me.”

“Ben, I can’t-“

“You can,” he says. “Let me help. Let me be there for you. Let me do this.”

He’s the reason that her husband isn’t here, sharing this with her. He’s the reason that her husband exists in name only right now, and he’s far from sorry because of that but he wants her to know that he’s here to step into that place. Father is a tricky term right now, and he’s not going to put himself in that role until Claudia has invited him to, but there are other ways.

 

 **Stargate: Bounty – Season 10, Episode 15**

Claudia struts onto set in her short shorts and her Dorothy Gale shirt and he can’t take his eyes off of her all day long. He’s not alone in that, but he makes sure he’s alone when he grabs her by the arm and leads her to his trailer.

“Damnit, woman,” he says, hands on her waist with his eyes fixed downward, watching the pale taut skin of her stomach, the just of her hip bones. “You’re taking this one home, right?”

She laughs, cheeks flushed, and he’s gotta kiss her then. He’s pretty sure she’s judging this right. She’s been happier lately, touching him more, offering kisses instead of just letting herself be kissed. He thinks she’s ready, and if she isn’t she’ll let him know.

Her grin says everything is fine, though. “I don’t think these people will be quite so willing to look the other way when I try and stuff something into my bag.”

“Fine,” Ben says. “I’ll do it, then.”

“You would, wouldn’t you?” She rolls her eyes, and he kisses her again just for being a smartass. She kisses back and reaches down and puts her hand on him through his jeans and he feels like he’s won the lottery because yeah he can be patient but that didn’t mean it was fun. “Here?”

“Here,” he says, grabbing her and backing her over to the couch. “Yeah. Fuck.”

She laughs and wraps her arms around his neck and he kisses her like he’s drowning. He’s spent most of the past month being too exhausted from filming and stunts and the baby to miss sex that much, but he’s still a guy and he still spent more than a few mornings jerking off in the shower thinking about her body, things they’ve done before.

He feels like celebrating. He pushes her onto the couch and tugs those little shorts down, kneeling between her legs. He slides his hands under her ass and lifts, guiding her until she’s slumped against the cushion. She gasps his name and her eyes are wide, that healthy color still high on her cheeks.

She’s sweet on his lips and he uses his tongue and his fingers to make her gasp. He doesn’t need anything out of this, just to make her say his name that way. He’s exhausted and in a permanent state of sleep deprivation between the baby and flying home every few weeks and running lines and learning stunt choreography and stealing time with Claudia, and life is better than he can remember it being in years, maybe since Australia, maybe better even than that.

“You realize every woman out there hates you, right?” He says afterward. She’s curled up in his arms utterly boneless and smiling, and he’s trying not to think of how many precious few minutes are left in their lunch break.

“Hmm?” She looks at him with drowsy eyes and he kisses her forehead.

“You just had a baby and you look like that?” He grins.

She turns her face into his shoulder, pleased but embarrassed. “You know it is three-fourths genetics and one-fourth working my arse off. And if they were smart, they’d hate me for a completely different reason.”

“Yeah?” He lifts an eyebrow at her.

“Because I happen to be getting it off with the hottest man on set.” She winks at him.

He groans. “You’re sleeping with Shanks, too? Baby, I’m heart broken.”

She playfully swats at him.

 

 **Stargate: Unending – Season 10, Episode 20**

Ben is waking up with Claudia in his arms, just like he has every morning for the past month, and the month before that, and it hits him like a punch in the gut.

This is _life._

They’re not waiting for anything to happen. They’re not waiting for anything to change. Things will change, they always do (those rumors that they won’t get another season, the talk about movies, about the next phase of Farscape) but nothing hinges on it. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her tight to him. She makes a protesting noise and tries to wriggle away, and he laughs.

“What?” she mumbles. She’s always tired lately, doesn’t get enough sleep between the baby and him.

“I love you,” he says, like it is something important, like he _needs_ to say it, and she just laughs. It’s a beautiful sound.

“I love you too. Now go back to sleep.” She turns her back to him, but grabs his arm and keeps it around her. He smiles and kisses her shoulder.

They’ll take the change as it happens.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the three people that provided me with some much needed handholding - daynawashere, msilverstar, and maverick0324.
> 
> Check out the fanmix that goes along with it made by squigglepie - it's amazing.
> 
> Feel So Unsteady: http://squigglepie.livejournal.com/23243.html


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